I know what I believe, what I like, who I like, who I love, all subjective to anyone but me. And I know I have pretty good instincts, at times to levels of disappointment way in the red.

Thankfully, I’m not in control, though I think (not know) I’d like to be. So I can avert outcomes I wouldn’t choose and rewrite chapters to my life stories so they all have happy endings… what a frightening thought.

Things don’t work out, sometimes because I make bad decisions, others because someone else does. Maybe it’s wisdom, maybe it’s because it’s easier to deal with frustration when I don’t add other negative emotions to the mix, but I’m at peace with the latest set of events turning my world upside down.

The details are irrelevant. The purpose for what’s transpiring will reveal itself. These moments and days will heal, and all will be well.

That’s what I know.

Last weekend when I was free writing, the image of a coin, like a quarter, standing on edge popped and wouldn’t go away. I was like, what the f***? But as words spilled and a theme evolved, I realized the irony in the symbolism. We flip coins to see who gets first pick, whether to receive the kickoff, who gets to clean the toilets, etc., etc.; in essence, a gamble to achieve something. So, in essence, somebody wins, while the other loses.

Now, have you ever tried to stand a quarter on its edge? You need a flat surface and a steady hand, and, I’m guessing the odds are pretty long at flipping a quarter and having it land on edge, unless, perhaps in the mud.

Point being, the level of discourse and disagreement in society (societies) is exasperating, and seemingly worsening each day. Politicians use divisiveness to secure votes, then live for years on the taxpayer’s dime producing little more than negative rhetoric. “We the people” are fools for buying in and participating. In my opinion, social media and biased mainstream news sources exacerbate the situation like pouring water on a grease fire.

I wish we could take social issues out of the mix where government is concerned, and leave social issues for people to resolve without the slime of government all over us. There is no way everyone will ever agree on divisive issues, so why belabor the point? I like to “win” as much as anyone, and have my strong convictions, they won’t change because you don’t agree. Likewise, I don’t expect yours to, either.

Oh, yeah… the song? It’s in the rewrite incubator, a practice I picked up along the way from one of my mentors, Craig Bickhardt. When the first draft is done, I try my best to step away and come back in a few days with an objective view to make it the best it can be, before calling it done… at least for each version of the song.

I’ll leave you with the first verse and chorus as they read today:

I don’t know why we see differently when we’re looking at the same thing
Or why we dance different steps to the same beat of a melody we’re singing
But you should know I’m OK if we agree to disagree

So nobody loses – nobody wins
And all we have to choose is
How we live the hours of our days until they finally end
If nobody loses – nobody wins

All Rights Reserved © Angelo Melendez/ASCAP

Over coffee this morning, I got to thinking that maybe I’ve been a little too passive in my approach to winning at writing, maybe even justifying a “that’s good enough” attitude that may be keeping me from better. Sure, it’s a crazy business, and the chances of scoring any victories are less than winning the lottery, but that’s not the point. I have to look back at the work I’ve put in and how I continue to apply myself and start expecting feedback that’s more than a pat on the back.

Now that it looks more and more like our move to Nashville is actually going to happen, I really need to get my head straight and learn to collaborate, pitch, and network with greater confidence, and even greater humility. Sure, I’m not a published writer, but I am a professional, with skills and creativity. It’s not that I’m not happy to be where I’m at with who I am as a writer, regardless of where I live, it’s that I know there’s more. That I can achieve the satisfaction of turning years of sweat equity into better songs and compositions, and recordings, with the hope of opportunities to share them with a broader audience.

My learning process over the last few years is summed up in this song titled “I’ll Know When I Get There”. First, it’s a co-write that started out with both of us adamant to write the best song we could without fear of straying from the typical commercial writing guidelines. This song isn’t verse/chorus or verse/chorus/bridge, it’s in AABA form, and it’s almost 4:00 minutes long.

All along, however, I had a sense about the song. There’s something about it that made me wonder if it could be something special. Then we started getting fairly positive feedback, and encouraged to demo the song. One of my long time mentors thought the song was good, but that he wouldn’t spend a ton of money on a demo and suggested I use my home recording capabilities to pull a low-budget mix together.

So I did. After laying down the guitars and bass over drum loops, I reached out to a keyboard player (Richard Putnam) who did an organ part on one of my other songs a few years back and got him to lay down a tasteful grand piano part. Then, since we felt it has an outside chance at the Country market, I enlisted the help of a seasoned writer (Derrick Hampton) whom I met at an NSAI song camp a couple of years ago to sing the track. A few weeks ago I heard a track Derrick posted on FB and really liked his vocal, so I suggested Derrick to my co-writer (Carl Dews). I’d run into Derrick in Nashville last October at the Commodore, so when I contacted him it didn’t come out of left field, and his vocal quality and interpretation put some really sweet icing on the piece.

In the matter of a weekend, the tracks were cut and exchanged electronically. The results, at least in my opinion, give me more than enough reason to smile. In a business where art is often dwarfed by commercialism, there’s barely a glimmer of realistic hope anything will happen with the song. But I’m sure as heck proud of the track and the fact that we stuck to our guns and wrote this one, in no uncertain terms, straight from the heart.

But all is not lost. Today, I’m refusing over the counter meds, spending 30 minutes of every hour practicing, picking loops, sounds, and setting tempos. Listening to slick bands, artists, and writers on ReverbNation, Spotify, and from my iTunes library; reading articles, posts, pages, and chapters. All this while taking short breaks to ingest fruits, teas, and yes, more chicken soup… sorry taste buds.

Though I feel like I’m “blank,” the ideas exploding inside me will [sooner or later] exit, onto paper and tracks. Maybe I’ll go splatter a quart of bright lime green paint on the garage floor and walls.

Watching children grow up knowing there are no control knobs to adjust the volume or set a course is the greatest challenge I’ll ever face. When they are young the reach for a hand when they fall, not so much these days. Though the chances of words of wisdom being readily accepted are slim, I have to continue imparting it, subtly and practically.

No doubt there are moments I simply want to give up, fly away with the morning doves that visit outside my window. But the small still voice invites me to reconnect with the only source of strength I know that can possibly sustain me. There’s much crumbling about us, the world’s equilibrium seems off its axis. Yet there is much life, music, and many songs scratching at the egg shell seeking light. It’s time to drink the elixir of faith and respond creatively.

It is up to me to be at peace and let God handle the details, and beyond. He’s the load bearing wall, not me. He’s got this.

I’ve certainly written more blog posts this year, mainly because I’m writing more as a whole. My consistency is getting better, in large part to use of reminders, which is making writing more deliberate. I’m working at being more concise, shorter posts, and very little editing. My site hits are up, but I’m suspicious it’s mostly bots trying to find a wormhole… sorry, dear hackers, my blog and site are not worthy

The year ends well from a songwriting perspective, too. Since coming back from Nashville, in late October, I’ve finished three co-writes and another 2-3 solo rewrites. I’ve also renewed my commitment to tracking more frequently, working at both growing my home recording skills and getting more material out for critique, as well as for sharing on the web.

Yet, though I persist, progress feels slow, really slow. It’s going on 10 years since deciding to write songs with a purpose. But the internal battle, as highlighted this week in a Seth Godin blog repost, is between writing my gut versus trying to write for a cut. I’m not a prolific writer, and I don’t have co-writing relationships with those in the trenches getting cuts, so the challenge to stay motivated is even greater.

Recently, I watched Dead Poets Society (DPS), for something like the third or fourth time. While I always enjoy this now classic movie, this time it really drew me in. It spoke to me, awakened me, and I listened. My motivation will wane, maybe by this evening or tomorrow, or next or next month… trust me, it WILL wane.

But, it’s my job as a writer to pick up the pieces and move ahead. One word, paragraph, verse, or chorus at a time. To tweak a melody, start tracking a new song from scratch, read or reread an article, book, blog post. Listen to a podcast or video by a writer that’s inspiring. It is up to me, not anyone else to kick my ass to write, record, and share… then, rinse and repeat.

Not being much of a reader out of high school and college, poetry and literature are becoming interesting to me later in life… sad, but I’m so not about letting what I haven’t done keep me from striving to be all I could or should be. The lines in DPS that got under my skin are out of the Whitman poem “O Me! O Life!”, as recited by Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) in the film:

That you are here — that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

It’s an open invitation to us all, no matter your passion. I’m posting this in several places to remind as I wake or rest or write or run or breath: that I may contribute a verse.

I wish you much peace and prosperity for the days ahead.

A couple of weeks ago I got an email taking me back to one of those seasons, back to my college days. The unsigned message caught me off guard, and when I thought I figured out the source, I became somewhat hesitant to respond, thankfully I did.

Over the next couple of days, we exchanged a few more emails, details around how we got to where are lives led, whispers from the past, conjuring memories that honestly brought me to a place of apprehension, if not guilt. Our relationship hadn’t ended very gracefully, and she had more than good reason to remind me. Instead, I got a heartwarming final note assuring me that she would not have done one thing differently.

The impact these couple of days had on me, reading and re-reading those notes, reflecting, smiling is immeasurable. It’s taken me almost three weeks to somehow summarize the moment, and I know I’m not doing it justice. It’s as though her words peeled the paint off the past and exposed a part of my soul that needed to breath again.

It’s quite possible and most likely we’ll never “talk” again. That she happened upon my site and knocked on my inbox, then disappeared just a quickly, is quite the uncanny phenomena. One I’m not going to try to explain or understand, but simply enjoy the wonder of such a blessing.

May 2013 bear the fruit of your wildest dreams… Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

As I was reading the article about The Lumineers in American Songwriter, I got to thinking how many amazing indie acts are out there. And, how the story behind how this band was formed, their approach to writing and recording, and their rise from obscurity to opening for Dave Matthews seems to be becoming more and more commonplace these days.

Nearing the end of the AS article, I began contemplating my own approach to what I’m writing these days, what I want to do but haven’t outlined and gotten busy doing, and realized I’m missing me. I’m not connecting the dots that make up me, what’s moving me, the hopes that hit and miss, what I want to say about my take on what’s happening in our country, and the world. Not to be self-centered or narcissistic, but because I honestly believe I’m due for such a challenge.

Thanksgiving week 2012 is upon us, then the Christmas and holiday season, prime time for contemplating the year past, and the year ahead. A good time to dig into my own gut , expose the frayed wires, write about it, lay it down and share it.

All this has transpired in the matter of the last 2-3 weeks, and there are even more songs in the hopper. While I’ve got the work documented and versioned, this gets harder to do with multiple ongoing co-writes. Keeping ducks aligned, of course, is critical to maintain momentum during the end of year holiday season, which is a MUST if I’m to finish strong for 2012 and hit the ground running in January of 2013.